It was Sunday afternoon in January. I helped Kuwata re-dye his hair black in the bathroom of Murai’s house. After brushing it, he looked at mine. “K, your hair is a little lighter too.” he said. I used to bleach it during summer vacation to make me cool, but I had put it all back before the start of the second semester. As he said, I kind of knew it was losing its color. I would be called over the PA system in my school. “You had better dye yours,” he picked the back of my hair. “I’ll blacken it.” I doubted if he would be doing it right because I found he shallow and dishonest.

“Before that, pay the money back for the previous karaoke.”I said, holding out my palm. “I’II do it. I’II do,” he studied his reflection in the mirror and made a wry face. He insisted that instead of returning the money, he would dye my hair by using the rest of the dye bottle he had bought. “Sit down there,” he said. I refused to, but he pushed my shoulders down.

I knelt on the bathroom tiles. I was faint-hearted enough to be under his thumb. He begun to brush my hair. In the bathroom there were also Murai and Shiota, an eccentric person with artistic talent. Although he has a pierce hole the size of coin, I had been impressed by his playing piano. However, a certain memory came bak to me. I had been seventh grade and read manga he had drawn, where he represented vulgarity, malice and inhumanity.

There was something fishy around me. “It’s okay. I’ll do it myself,” I said. “Wait. Don’t move. Close your eyes in case liquid drips.” I did as he said. Kuwata was taking his time. I heard three boys chucking, perhaps thinking a cunning plot. Still I was kneeling, head bowed, eyes closed. Somebody grabbed a fistful of my hair. Perhaps Shiota handled it roughly. “Poor thing. Ha-ha! Poor thing. School tomorrow. What is he going to do? Ha-ha!”Murai asked. “Shhh!”said Kuwata. “What happened?”I asked. “Good, good, very nice.” he said.

That was the part about Murai that I really hated. The way the more punks are in his house, the more he harmonizes with them. I knew deep down he looked down on me.

They released me. “It’s done. You have to leave the dye for a while,” said Kuwata. I rose to my feet, went to the changing room and surveyed my hair in the mirror. Of course, nothing happened. After fifteen minutes, it had not changed at all. When I turned around as I eyed it with a sense of relief, I realized he dyed my back hair only blond. Its color was very uneven. Shiota gave me vulgar rough. I was about to cry. How am I supposed to get home?Kuwano said; “You looks so cool, I’ll introduce you to beautiful girls, who would love you.” They burst out laughing.

“Give me my money back,” I said. “The dye bottle empty, because of you,” he said. “This was very expensive.” Shiota and Murai was chuckling. I was convinced the money would not return to me. I did think they always humiliated me. I had been foolish enough to try to get along with them. After all, Shiota handed me a towel to cover around my head.

Shiota and I were on our way home from Murai’s house. “Kuwata is such a jerk. I haven’t got my money back from him either. That’s who he is,”he said. I remained quiet, thinking he might take his side. “You should blacken it immediately,” he said. I nodded like I understood. “I’ll get it right away for you.” He would be able to get it easily. Shoplifting. I thought. “No. Anyway, I go home … Then, I’ll buy it myself,” I said and changed the subject. “Do you keep practicing piano? You are talented.” He looked away from me, saying: “See you.”

The next morning I did not get up out of my bed. After eating lunch at home, I could barely work up the energy to go to school. It was also common for me to attend from afternoon classes. When I enter the classroom with my school bag during lunch hour, my classmates would pretend not to see me while  I feel lonely. At any rate, I would be told to repeat a year because of the lack of my attendance days. 

It was the fifth period ethics class. From my seat in the corner of the classroom, I looked out through the glass window. It was raining outside. I was occupied with yesterday’s nightmare. The drops of rain scattered down and the dew on the leaves in the darkness was akin to tears. 

Murai never visited me. I wondered if he felt guilty. A week later, Okada, who went to the same stupid school as Kuwata and Shiota, came to my house for the first time. I felt something odd. When we were ninth grade, for some reason, he had refused to go to school; I called him from time to time, only to talk his mother. Now he was standing in front of me. He had reddish hair with a earring in his left lobe.

“Lets’ hang out,” he said. “Everyone is waiting for you in the park(at that time, some parks were hangouts for juvenile delinquents).” “Sorry, I didn’t feel like doing that. Maybe some other time.”I said, and just as I closed the door, he jerked its knob by the hand. “Come. Come out.” “No,” I tried to close it, but he kept doing. “Please. You won’t stay so long there. Come.” I reluctantly went out. I thought this was the last time I would see them, so I made up my mind to go there. “I know what you mean,” I said. “We’ll compensate you for something,” he said soberly.

In front of my house is the park. We were ascending the stairway to it. I was reminded of going to school with him singing the popular songs–WANDS,T-BOLAN, and B’z–when we were seventh grade. We were long distance runners. After running under summer sun, we once enjoyed swimming.

In the darkness they had smoked their cigarettes. Leaning around the pull-up bars were Shiota and Abe. By them Murai was standing. Okada, whose cigarette was burning in his holder, and I walked over them. Suddenly, Shiota hit me, followed by Okada. I tried to run away. “Where are you going?”Abe jump-kicked me, Murai laughing and laughing. Shiota hit me again and again, banging the back of my head against the ground. I could see stars both in the sky and in my head. I did not get up until they were finished. 

I staggered dizzily home from the park. After a couple of hours the telephone rang in the dining room. I went to answer it.“I’m really sorry … sorry … sorry … so sorry … Forgive me …”the voice was Okada.

Suddenly accepting the fact I am probably considered a low rank boy, it was hard thing. Ever since that day, I had not spoken to anyone. Sensing the atmosphere, I shrank back.

In my class were no jocks or no queen bees. This is a private school, where you study hard to go to an excellent University. While a handful of students belong club activities like soccer, most go home or the prep schools after school. It dawned on me I had never been in the high rank, where the explicit, straight talkers dominate a class. It was just that I was in the “popular group” that was little less than second rank whose boys play dirty pool as ignoring one. I came to miss my classmates in Junior high school, where the cool boys, popular with the girls, are assertive.

At recess I was left completely alone. I put my face down on my desk to pretend to sleep. During lunch, I hung back and kept to myself and could observe how they all blended, clustering into their cliques and groups. The “popular group” I had been in made a circle. Their true colors of the group were all different, and there was no one who took the lead, like what he says goes. Of the three prospective boys, one was popular but calm, another outgoing but so mean, and the third very good-looking but a video geek–something was not right. In any case, it was too painful for a boy to be isolated in the class. Ever since that day, I had tried to find my niche.

After lunch, I could play basketball with some classmates, that was it. Then recess come between classes. I could talk to a few boys who would not ignore me out of sympathy, however they never talked to me. I could stand by the geeks talking about their nasty fetishes that grossed me out, about video games I was not interested in, and about fashion despite their unfashionable hair styles with awful glasses.

However, in my high school days, I had almost picked this circle, where I was welcome there. I walk over to them. The mood is convivial. They fool around like schoolchildren do. I cringe off, never wanting to be a part of them. Then I push myself to move seamlessly in the low rank, without overstaying. 

Autumn was coming. I did not too particularly care about studying; rather, I would have wanted friends. My only two middle school friends were busy studying, so I remembered Murai who lived in my neighborhood. Although I had got along with him for long, I wondered if he was my friend, because when I was hospitalized with a pneumothorax–which caused me a failure of the high school entrance exam–he did not visited me in the hospital.

I gave a call to visit him. Then I started spending many of my after-school in his house. He was introverted but somehow sociable, so he has friends, including bad boys. His house was a place the punks hung out. I had fun because I did not know their world–smoking, singing karaoke, talking about the pretty girls and riding scooters without a helmet(illegal).

One of them, Kuwata, a jock who is highly popular with girls who long for him to see, got me to talk with a girl on his cell phone. I was a nervous wreck and asked her a question, “What are you studying in your school? For example, math A or I.” “Sure,” she said. Kuwata whispered next to me, “You are stupid. Why would you ask her such a boring question? Say something more interesting.” It occurred to me the students in my school shared common trait: most of them had study-based conversation. He was absolutely right. They went to low rank high school, where the stupid boys and girls go. I was so inept in getting on in the world.

They enjoyed life more than the students who go on to University. On the weekends the school is closed, Kuwata dyes his black hair–especially blond–like the punks express themselves against society. He gets up in the early morning to play soccer and then goes to McDonald’s, where he hangs out with the wrong crowd, laughing and joking. Sunday afternoon, Kuwata, Murai, someone else, and me enjoy karaoke, during which Kuwata’s pager ring ceaselessly. You can see some girls appearing in front of him and disappearing together. However, I pick up the tab for him from time to time, anticipating he will not return the money.

I had estranged from studying and felt out of place in my school. Following Kuwata where he goes seemed to ease the pain of my being alone. He was a smooth-talker, hyperactive and really good-looking. Thanks to him, I was able to befriend a girl who was very easy to talk. Encountering so many punks around him was eye-opening.

After school, basically Murai visits me and we head to his house. While we hang out, Kuwata emerges out of nowhere, but his PHS and pager ring incessantly, and the next thing I know he was gone. At times he brought a few delinquent boys in Murai’s house or mine and made fun of me.

Among them was Abe, who was very good at playing guitar. He had wavy, bluish hair. When we were eighth grade, he talked enthusiastically about Western music, especially Deep Purple, Sex Pistols and MR.BIG—I was much interested in his familiarity with them.

One day, when we were in Murai’s house, out of the blue, Kuwata said: “I’ll make a man out of you. Let’s do katapan.”(The character kata means “shoulder,” pan does “punch.” One punches the other in the upper arm around the shoulder. The other have to show his strength by enduring. This is repeated to one another until either of you surrenders.) “You are strong … I don’t want to …” I was scared, knowing he would not go easy on me.“Everyone is doing. An everyday occurrence. My fellows turned blue, swelled,” he laughed quietly. “If you are a man, you must do. You understand?” he teased me.

He hit me. Murai guffawed when I swatted at his thick, clenched fist. “No. It really hurts. You got me.” I laughed a little, as if I joked around. “Come on,” he said. I was afraid he would blow up, so I punched him lightly. “Be serious.” Kuwata said matter-of-factly and hit me again, Murai laughing and laughing.

When I entered high school, the two freaky students floated. One dropped out of school after the school camp in April. He sort of stood out; stating messages clearly and lacking the ability to read between the lines. Not saying something directly is a core part of Japanese culture. Every time he uttered some words, the others had virtually fallen silent, with several jaws hanging slightly agape.

The other was an introvert, who spoke little retreating into a shell. On top of all that, he had a strong body odor. When the boys walked by him, one sniffed the air and pinched his nose, grinning, Before physical education class, you have to do change into your gym uniform in the jam-packed locker rooms. As he had his clothes off, the boys covered their noses and mouthes, making comments about him being smelly. And then one day, I happened to see him weeping alone in the locker room. “What’s wrong?” I asked in a small voice. He said nothing and left the room. During lunch and recess, he hung back and kept to himself, and he concluded that he was chronically absent from school.

I suppose the freaky boys were very sensitive and felt alienated from the class, where a sense of comradeship began to grow. Unfortunately both of them could hardly contain or express themselves. As a result, they quickly ran into problem. They were shunned in the class where in less than a month the hierarchy would be determined by simply conversational skill―or the lack of it.

Unlike the students of the highest rank casually talk with anyone, the serious student―such as a boy belongs to a student council―often talked to the teachers. He was the the kind of boy who even in his shirt buttoned all the way to the top and tucked into his pants. He was quite a bore who snitched to the teacher on the boys who did not follow the rules of the school; isolated, he subsequently transferred to another school. 

With a twinge of guilt, I had felt relieved those had not been me. However, I had fantasized about the student life in the higher rank earlier that month. I was not appealing when I was a junior high school student. I was a nerdy studious boy with only two friends who talked about nothing but study. Of course I was in the low rank, so I was going to change myself dramatically in my high school, where nobody know me.

In the beginning, I worried about student’s perception of me studying hard in my junior high school. I wanted to avoid the label like a nerd. In whispers: Outcasts, The introverts. The others. “Studying is the only thing you’re good at,” equipped a girl, the former classmate. Her words has been echoing in my mind ever since she said that.

Apart from that, I hated the rules of the school: no dyed hair, no perms and no piercings. Interested in fashion, I had wore a fluorescent colored T-shirt beneath my high school uniform―the way the cool boys of the high rank do―so that you caught a glimpse of my neckline. And then I pretend to be indifferent to studying lest I was defined as a nerd. Actually, I had studied a little, but at the same time getting bad grade seemed very cool. I had never seen a boy who was good at studying dating a good-looking girl.

I felt especially strange, as if I was the other. In the first month, I was pleasing to the girls in my grade and the next thing I knew I was in an influential group of several boys, with whom I enjoyed taking some Purikura(you pose with your friends on a photo booth that dispenses very small photo stickers), which was swapped with the hot girls whose notebooks were full with its stickers. Girls approached me everyday. I was elated. 

The members of that group were from the high rank. Maybe I was the only person from the low one. Beyond my ability, I could not have caught up with the things around me, learning how they blended. I was shy, so there was an awkward moment whenever I talked with him alone with fear that my true colors might expose. Can you imagine a studious boy in a corner of a classroom surrounded by the extroverts?

A month later, I was standing by myself in the back of the classroom during recess, watching the others laughing and talking. In this morning, when I was about to join the group saying “Hey, dude,” the silence dropped, no one paid attention to me, and no one spoke to me. I was very sensitive to my feeling that things might never really change. I knew that an amorous boy, who confined himself to pleasing girls, did not like it that I was popular with the girls. Perhaps he would had spread bad rumors about me. He had a way with words, which brought home to me the reality that I was not the kind of person in the high rank. I found myself disappearing into aloneness as though the tide ebbed away.

I had already decided not to say Good morning to passers-by when running in the morning, because I felt that I obliged him to―while acclimating to Japanese life. Japanese never greet strangers. If I was a part of his group, where we interact with our own interest, we would greet one another with much jollity.

After leaving that agency, I did not belong anywhere, not even to a small gathering, and was an outsider. As the outsider, I could keep to myself, be anonymous, be invisible. No different than I was a boy. Feeling free, I could go the other way.

I recalled the worst three years when I was a high school student. In Japan, there is something like a hierarchy system from elementary to high school―it is roughly comprised of three main ranks. In the highest rank is the extroverted like Jock and Queen bee that included bad boy and girl―it was no matter if you are intelligent or not. Mostly they are good-looking, appealing and vibrant, and everywhere he goes he blends. As an exception, if you are a promising athlete regardless of your character, you can definitely be here.

The students of the highest rank casually talk with the teachers, who tend to favor them. They dominate the class and manage the important events: sports days, school festivals, and school excursions. They are dating among them and feel somehow superior to any other students, who would bolster up the class; hitting the “like buttons” on Instagram or on TikTok―the number of your likes are proof that you are popular.

A large majority of the class are in the second rank―ordinary students preserving the harmony in the class. Unlike the assertive ones of the top rank who get carried away, they are not that prominent―no eccentric. They are plain students with Japanese-style common sense that saying anything that might disturb atmosphere in the class risks plummeting down, where they never ever want to go.

Some students are in blurring of the rank line, like middlemen between the top and the second rank; reading the atmosphere and sucking up to the popular ones. They simply have ambition to rise in the class.

I am sure that mediocre students who take a back seat can have a stable school life, because the ruling clique, now and then is sharply split by a row over trifles that are none of their business. The awkwardness those bastards display in each other’s presence, while you can devote yourself modestly to what you want to do in your school life: club activity, studying, or hanging out with your friends.

What is horrible is how unassuming they are. With hindsight, they adjust themselves to the high rank―like a relationship between superiors and subordinates. For example, the arrangements of roles such as a sports day―which attracts people’s attentions: the teachers, the families and the locals―can not begin without kind of show-offs. The most horrible thing of all is when they follow a leading figure who can use his strength to ostracize one.

In a state of anarchy are the low rank students. Each student has his unique characteristic and tend to go his own way. Basically, they are isolated, and a couple of groups, for example, are made up of otaku―obsessive fans or fanatics, video game or anime geeks, nerds. They are out of style―that was really wack―but impressively hard-core.

In retrospect, some geeks were wearing their thick glasses and deeply absorbing in a dating simulation game, Tokimeki Memorial( it was popular in the 90’s)―with pink fantasies for virtual girls not real ones who turn away. After a decade, maybe they got a school girl fetish for the idol groups like AKB48. And obsessive fans of Evangelion enjoyed their world, where they imitated its characters and laughing with each other. They would not have noticed that they made the others cringe.

The low rank students include nerdy studious boys who are mute. He will continue study hard for years to come, and the next thing you know the brain that you looked down on grow up to be a doctor or innovator. And a video games geek is a modern gamer who dreams of playing in Esports, a form of competition using video games, and of earning prize money.

I believe those who focus on one thing have the potential to be winners in life. Oddly, over the years, a beautiful girl in the high rank find herself developing her sense of her type from the cool guys to kind of dull ones or middled-aged men, both in a high standard of living. I always wonder what had happened to the innocent girls.

Have you ever tried to bully or harass? If not you, then who? I think somebody else are getting tortured at work, where his employer pays a salary. But if he is a student, he himself pays for school, where he feels pain. If you kick out him, what is left for him?

Since that time, I had suffered from keloids on my neck for twelve years. I had at times had a recurring nightmare of the look on her crooked face. If these were healed, would this painful memory obliterate from my mind?

Matsu had spoken between the lines and I actively had focused on scanning for meaning. Neither were not open-minded or optimistic. My answer never satisfied her. Even years later, I would never be able to devise the effective means to her own satisfaction; I had happened to hear about her: “It’s a little cruel, the way Matsu do to the students, who are men.”

*

On the last day of my practice, Matsu showed me the paper―“FINAL EVALUATION,” the title read. On a scale of “Excellent,” “Good,” “Passing,” and “Failing,” I scanned the categories: Behavior, Communication, Teamwork, Motivation, Documenting, Understanding, etc. My heart pounding, I shifted my gaze to the check boxes … All items were “Failing.” Maybe only one “Passing,” but it did not matter. There were obviously the occasion like rudeness in the early days, but it was very different now.

My real concern was for “Success” or “Failure.” The bottom of them … “Failure.” I panicked. I never heard that anyone failed in spite of making it to the end of their practice. Because of that I had been devoting my effort to passing it as a slave student, who could bow, apologize, and report every trivial thing I had done. The practice made absolutely no sense. Screw it, everything became meaningless. 

I started flashing back through all the time I had been at violations, discrimination or any other type of complaints against me. That was quite unfair. It occurred to me that after apologizing, she had been in a little bit better mood, but had once failed to expel me.

She did not explain why she rejected me; I felt my face going pale. After less than a minute, ignoring me with her determination, she approached Umeno, who sat at the desk within hearing distance where she would submit the paper that needs the boss’s approval. It dawned on me she was going to ruin me. Just the sight of her despicable face and her dead fish eyes, there being the staff enjoying talking with each other, drove me really mad.

I was about to scream and throw a huge tantrum. I could picture me in my mind, jumping out, hitting her face so hard that blood gushed from her gross mouth. If she is he, I could. I would knock him, hit him over and over again until his mouth stooped making any disgusting noise.

Resisting the instinct to ruin her, I was trying to relax and hold myself loosely and I saw Umeno look at the paper, tilting her head thoughtfully; I listened, absorbing as much as I could. Umeno seemed to point out that it needed modifying to all the items. Matsu’s eyes were cloudy and her mouth slack with emptiness. There would have be so much more she wanted to tell her but her face just twitched. 

Umeno handed it back to me.“Here you go, it’s up to your teacher to decide whether you success or not.” It was pretty abstract. Matsu was forced to correct several of them―from “Failing” to “Passing.” The comprehensive evaluation did not change. I could feel my fury at her rising once more.

The other students seemed to feel a sense of accomplishments, Whatever his level of them otherwise, I thought I was so much better than them.

Siting on a stool, I did not know how quickly time flew―the staff disappeared, except for the sound of Umeno and Matsu scuttling about. Then I would had wandered in the dimly lit staff room, feeling like I was forgetting something.

I had to be strong and patient, making me think that I was not a loser, who never gave up―I had achieved something challenging; preserving group harmony and saving face for those involved with me then keeping hopeful right to the end.

To show a sign of courtesy, I approached Matsu getting ready to leave. “Thank you very much over two months,” I bowed far deeper than usual. “Otsukaresamadeshita.” “You’re welcome,”she said flatly, as if to have nothing further to say, leaving the room where Umeno was working alone.

Over time I found myself developed an increasingly violent temper. I jumped to my feet, darting downstairs and looking for Matsu, who had as good as ruined me. At this time of night, the lights had been dimmed in the whole floors that was empty. I was standing at a point for a while. I did not know how long I remained there; at the same time it was significant period, I suspected I was likely to crumple my paper in front of her face … I laughed, as though I had gone mad, and with the back of my hand, I wiped my tears from my eyes.

The next day, Umeno handed me a card made of folded paper.

9:00AM―Following Matsusan

12:00PM―Lunch

13:00PM―Work experience

“This is to-do list. I hope you understand,”Umeno said calmly, in no way did she humiliate me. Rather she had wrote out of her kindness. I felt it was disrespectful to treat me as a child who could not follow grown-ups who was obedient the boss. I believed I have a free will and can take charge of my own destiny, but I was a bum here, to a certain degree she writes this stupid crap. “When you leave, please inform me of what your day today was all about.”

In Japan, there is the conventional foolish thing. Ho-ren-so, which means “spinach” in English. In short, “reporting.” Japanese companies spend too much time “reporting.”: morning assemblies, end-of-the-day assemblies and many other useless meeting are where you have to say your schedules, progresses and results. Moreover, you have to make reports about what you have done, even such trivial things that you think would never need sharing, that you fall into your boss’s hand.

Basically I was not permitted to act my own discretion and whenever I left my position, I had to tell someone like the staff that where I would go and what the reason was. Then as soon as I finished the task, I must come back to him and say“ I’m done” bowing. If you failed to do that, even once, you would make your boss uncomfortable.

However, the possibility had already occurred to me that I would succeed this practice unless I drop out, so I had decided not to withdraw from here. Like I had to get this qualification, no matter what. I thought in those days―withdrawal mean becoming a loser, as so many Japanese think, which drove me toward some kind of unspeakable perfection.

After Miya visited me, my assignment were reduced, and although I could save a little room in my heart, a new daunting task required of me. It is your duty to phone your homeroom teacher Tanaka, every single day. Give a report to your day. the division reader of my school, Mori—, ordered. “10:00 p.m.” Tanaka, who had worked hard all day, ordered, so I had got pretty nervous as the time approached.

Even if there was nothing unusual, I had to call him and I kind of made up the story, only to waste each other’s time. He was a workaholic with specialized knowledge, but I was not allowed to ask technical questions. It meant I should learn to be loyal, by doing as I was told―providing the reports.

In the morning, my DragStar engine stalled and the rain had started. The apprehensions grew darker; Japanese are obsessed with punctuality. If you are even one minute late, they think you do not have intimate awareness as a working adult. Maybe you know Japanese trains are always on time. Whatever the reason about being late, you have no excuse. Sucks. It was so easy for Matsu to put the blame on me.

The rain continued to fall steadily as I tried to start the ignition desperately. The devil would not want me to go to the practice. Deciding I should give up on the matter, I ran to the main road and looked for the taxis, which drove past me, but no vacant. Anyway I had been running toward the workplace, which was a couple of miles away from here. I was getting drenched when I realized it was too late to do anything and I slipped beneath the nearest eaves of a building. I phoned to my department to tell my situation in no time.

I charged at the locker room, dripping with rain. It was June and I was soaked with sweat, feeling restless. I pulled my T-shirt up over my head, wiping my wet hair and face. The skin on my neck felt itchy and I rubbed it with my couple of fingers. I was still rubbing when I opened my locker door, and I peeked in its small attached mirror―big, red pimples around my neck, my bangs getting thinner. These were most distressing.

Just as I entered the staff room, I saw head of the department Umeno sitting there. I apologized for having being late. “Your behavior exemplifies the attitude of the good student. You did inform us here you would be late. Besides, you have been reporting each day as I told you. It struck me as a great improvement on you. Good, good, please keep up the good work,”she reassured me.“Thank you very much,”I bowed. “I’ll do my best.”

My effort have borne some fruit, though I was not as satisfied as I would have liked. I just learned that disagreement is clear path to breaking harmony of those involved in the discussion, where pressure to conform squash even the slightest deviation from my perspective, ever since I had been here for my practice; I realized how miserable I had been enduring harassment like Japanese-style bulling. Nevertheless, apologizing and apologizing and apologizing.

Hair wet,  I made an apology to Matsu. Oddly, although she gazed at me emptily for a few second, she did not curse me, maybe because arriving late let me be honest―it was my fault and I had accepted it. Of course, she never said anything nice.

I had a mind to make an apology to all of the staff in the morning assembly. And trivial as it seemed for having being rude to Matsu, and indeed, that is no common sense in Japan, and if I did not do so, everyone would pity my ignorance. In the staff room, my posture was perfect upright. “I do apologize for not being proper attitude as a student and for the inconvenience this has caused all of you. Thank you very much for your understanding,”I bowed formally.

“By the way, you got a tan, didn’t you?” Matsu asked, never having had such a daily conversation with me. Does it feel safe for her to talk with me? I hold out my arms, looking at them. I hesitated but said it anyway: “To refresh myself, I went away on my motorcycle … ” She stared coldly at them, then turned away, sighing quietly and walking away.

In fact, I could not let myself go much―I read two self-help books before the chaos descends. Then I went to mountains and rivers―grasses and trees―and the tumulus and the dam. That were so nice I could somehow forget my troubles.

I reminded me of her words: “Do you take the easy way out, eh?” If you enjoy what you do, she means you have not so much work, but if I had said “I studied very hard,” would she have been okay? Definitely not. At least I should have said so. I had made her cringe, like she had just caught sight of something loathsome. Honestly, I hated it when her mouth was slack with emptiness.

A few days after I restarted my practice, My school teacher, Miya, was going to visit me. Not because I was a bad student, it was the rule for the teacher to do each student one time during their practice period. I had had nothing but a premonition that …

Early in the evening, I waited anxiously for Miya in the staff room. When I noticed her entering my department, I got to my feet from my seat. She was grinning and bobbing her head, and said things to a staff. A middle-aged woman in the light-colored pantsuit, taking care of herself, was standing in the doorway. I approached her, and instead of paying any attention to me, she looked around gingerly. Then, out of nowhere, Umeno stepped up to us; Miya bowed deeply and gave her some gift of a classy paper bag. I knew that her visit was primarily to build a good relationship with Umeno, who was the department manager.

We were sitting silently in the small room and waiting for Matsu. When she entered from the door, I straightened my shoulders with my head bowed. And Umeno started to speak about my progress and Miya nodded several times. I apologized again for having been very rude to Matsu, but there was still a kind of tension between us.

“Matsusan told me that you were out of control. You have been in trouble and were a kind of tyrant. I must support her,”Umeno said; Miya glanced at Matsu, nodding sympathetically. I thought it sucked that Miya ditched me there before I at least had a chance to assert myself. That was why I had an uneasy premonition. Inside the small room were Umeno, the manager who considered me troublesome, and Matsu, the case advisor who cooked up things about me, and Miya, my school teacher who tried to get along with them, all women without me.

What could I do in a woman’s world where that is the norm? Probably there is a proper way you are supposed to deal with them. We Japanese people have a conscience in the same way Westerner do. However, we have lived so long under the great pressure to conform, like we do not have an individual self.

“You need to think about whether you really want to study here, and I want to know what you think.” Umeno looked at me soberly and Miya did not say anything, grim and tense and righteous. I used to know how to feel―anger, chagrin and hatred. These were lessons best forgotten. The more I would say my candid opinion―which would sound like a freaky person is complaining or protesting.

“Please give me another chance to learn here, I’m going to make exertion,” I looked Umeno in the eyes. “I take a vow not to make Matsusan discomfort on me.” To show a sign of my remorse, I looked down and kept my eyes fixed at a point on the floor until she would forgive me. What else could I do?

I was a young man with a Japanese man’s understanding of things at that time I must get this qualification that brought me a stable life. Moreover, I thought that I could start my life over until I was in my twenties, and fearing that if I failed in my practice, I would be a part time worker forever, and my parents paid for school fee for an unworthy son.

Umeno asked Matsu: “You will forgive him, won’t you? He’s reflecting upon his things.” Matsu was fazed a little. “If Ksan is okay with me,” she pinched her lips together, while Miya looked at her with concern.“Of course. You have been keen on teaching me. I really appreciate you.”I said. And then she turned away, made some excuse and left the room.

Finally Umeno gave me an ultimatum. “Let’s reduce your assignments. You aren’t at that level yet.” I used to be filled with chagrin at having been so misled and I felt great pride in discharging my duty over my practice. But I had ceased to feel. “I’m so sorry to come here as an immature student,” I bowed. Miya looked anxious, studying us. Perhaps she conjectured that I did not really think so and her perspective was entirely different from that of Umeno―I am not stupid. In my school, she was a blight, cheerful person, but this time she was careful not to be intrusive.

“Don’t worry. I’ll support you as far as possible so that you’ll have to succeed in your practice,” Umeno said, calmly, Miya nodding and nodding with her hand on her knees, as if she had been carrying out her mission. I knew that Japanese kept nodding even when they did not agree.

To see her off, I walked with Miya toward the entrance of the building, following a few steps behind. She had been just sitting there, in a strange kind of limbo, which seemed to make her feel vaguely guilty. As far as I was concerned, she was usually chatty. I waited and waited for her words to come. Nothing. With passing by several people―the hum of conversation―the silence between us was profound. 

I was not used to see this jittery teacher in the light-colored pantsuit that was not suited her, and I looked out the glass windows at my DragStar, the only one I could trust. Its metallic silver tank shined in the sun’s shaft. I admired what an imposing figure he was. At one point she looked back and smiled at me, trying to convince herself that her visit was effective. And then, nothing, Blank. I prompted her. “How about Tokumitsu? My good fellow. We hadn’t been in touch for long.” He was so eccentric person I thought this kind of soul-sucking practice was not for him. “He dropped out,” she glanced behind her at me. I grew depressed or nervous, knowing I would never see him in my school.

When she pushed the entrance door, she recovered her sense of being a teacher.“Your practice will be going well, won’t you?” That was just empty words.“Yes. I’m sure I will,” I said, reassuringly. We feigned that the exchange was mutually satisfying. I thanked her and watched her walk off under sunset-pink skies.

I was a loser. At the night I got really cozy inside me. My phone rung, so I picked up, “Ah, K. This is Tanaka speaking,” he was my homeroom teacher. “Good afternoon, sir.” “Don’t go. From tomorrow,”he said. I felt exhilarating to hear that, as if I released from pressure or bullying. “You’ll have to rest. Okay?“ “I understand, sir.” The moment he hung up, I collapsed back on the bed.

When I awoke to a beam of intense sunlight peeking in through the curtain in the window, it was twelve and I felt oddly at peace and for a while stared at the ceiling. I was hungry. I wondered if she would have allowed me to have eaten two take-out bento(lunch box) at lunch and if she had viewed me as lazy and hedonistic. I could not afford to the time I ate breakfast or dinner, having been busy writing the reports. She worked tensely all the day, this meant she took her stress out on me for some reason. Sleeping spoiled you? Even eating? Sleep is to the brain eating is to the body. Silly Matsu. It was tempting to forget the whole stuff and I simply went back to sleep, wishing to be kind to myself and others.

The next day I wrote a polite letter of apology to Matsu, describing about me, how rude I was, how uncomfortable I made her, and how I would like the opportunity to learn from her. I did not know it was my true feeling, but the letter was at least for show. I thought that if I pretended hard enough it would actually come true, and I would be nobody. My tactic was just to say “I understand” or bob my head or smile. Umeno would expect cheerful obedience of me and I knew that she accepted everything you said.

Naturally the division reader of my school, Mori, knew I was in trouble. He was in his early forties―well-worn white coat, combed-back gray hair, and a grim expression. He looked foolish when he attempted to stand upon his dignity by walking arrogantly along the hallways―mostly we students were too scare to talk to him. It occurred to me that he reprimanded my fellow Kita. He was dozing off when Mori taught a class. He was edging forward and stopped in front of Kita.“Orenitaisuruboutokuka?” “You are blaspheming against me, eh?” he asked in a wrath voice, glaring down at him. The atmosphere in the room was frozen, we straightened in our chairs and he threatened him to get out. After all, Kita repeated a year, and he was the very one who set an example.

I was sitting across from Mori in the reception room in my school. “Who do you think you are?” He looked me in the eye, so I turned away. “Look into the eyes, when you talk with anybody.” I tried to look at his horrible eyes. My face would have twitched and started to crumple with my timidity. “That’s exactly what your problem is … So you didn’t communicate with Matsusan well … You’re just a brat. You look down on her, eh?”he imposed his one-sided opinion on me. “You’re absolutely right, sir. But … I … don’t … want to be like her. She is not the epitome of the professionalism.” Shit! I blew it; I should not have said that. I was confused. “I think I was really a brat. I must obey her,” I made me humble. “You need more than that to explain it. That’s why you are not good at communicating with people … Brat … you’re just a brat!” he surveyed me with a scowl. I knew that this bastard liked to show what a dignity his presence represented for me.

The next day, we were to meet in front of the building, where I studied as a student trainee. By exercising his power, he had helped the troubled ones get back into the practice. I did know that he tried to maneuvered himself into a much higher status. He intentionally used two different faces well, severeness for formal and kindness for informal, which touched the stupid students. His strategy appeared to win the whole school over to his side. The great majority of the students had been with nothing but admiration for Mori. I did not know why. It was like people aligned themselves with the tendency of those around, so it was complete nonsense to ask what is so great about him. When a new cafe was going to open in my school, we students voted on its name. I had felt very silly indeed ever since then. And foolish as it might seem, the signboard over the door of the cafe said “Mori’s cafe.”

“Nice weather today,” he grinned. “I wish we could go somewhere to hang out, don’t you think?” How very odd. But just his way I thought it would be. “Yes, sir,” I mumbled, not knowing what to say. I had been in a frenzy for him cursing me, and I was now supposed to apologize to Matsu. And then he asked me about the staff, so maybe I replied awkwardly. When I approached the entrance of the building, he said: “I believe in you. No problem.” “Thank you very much, sir,” I winced, thinking his behavior was gross.

I straightened and then I bowed deeply. “I’m truly sorry for offending you.” “I was surprised when I received a letter from Ksan,”said Matsu, preparing her work in the staff room. We sat around in front of her desk. “Anyway I was surprised. I thought you would never come back.” I had fallen silent. “I wonder if you really okay with me. I worry about me teaching you,”she said. “Everyone is scared of you, eh?” Mori leered at me. “You’ve been trying too hard. Decompress.” I shrank back―I thought she would want to assert that I neglected my own assignment. Instead, she sulked and turned away before the cutting words from her mouth. 

At one point, Mori, enjoying showing off his power, crossed his legs and arched his spine, which annoyed her―late twenty with the conceit. “I mean, you should take a break,”he said, looking at me and Matsu gaped, as if she pronounced “huh” like a sigh in disbelief. “Five days. Rest. Stop, Do nothing. Embrace your hobby, something you looked forward to. Feel refreshing. You could meet your friends or take a short trip. Or else go back to your parents … Don’t study,” he said. “Forget studying.” There was something authoritative and deliberate in his speech that made her dumb. Japanese like her does not give you time to rest. Like resting is a sin. “I’ll leave it up to you,”she said glumly, trying to finish this conversation. “The way forward. Everyone is expecting a lot from you,” he gave me a gleeful little grin while her cheeks was distorted concealing her discomfort.

“Let’s have ramen,” Mori ordered me. “Ah yes, sir. I’ll accompany you.” I rode my DrugStar and followed his BMW. I had been a man who challenged authority, the way it was likely to backfire on me, but I was now taken in by him, for fear my feelings toward Mori have begun to transform. Where was I? I was so tense I did not have any appetite. And then I remembered. Trying too hard. Decompress. When you are trying too hard is you are actually thinking that you are making it.

He was sitting across from me eating ramen. “That did’t sound like fun. She is critical, eh?” he asked. “Yes … ” I mumbled.

I had become a troublesome person. I bet you are wondering what kind of poor student I would be. Well, I would. You would. Everyone would.

From out of nowhere Matsu asked me as usual: “Is it that?” She liked this phrase, too. It means that my report has not been up to much. Her jaw tightened, above her lips was a pustule, a pus-filed whitehead, coming from something truly evil that always stressed out me. I did not answer because it would not be good to upset her—as if I made up some excuse.

When I was with Matsu, I was under great pressure. Sighing with a goofy face, she continued to criticize, criticize, criticize, and it seemed to go on forever, although actually it was approximately three weeks. And then one evening, she gave me feedback on my report. “Have you ever referred to other students’ reports before?” There were other people in the dark spacious room, too, guiding a male student traineee―my other case advisor, a sly witch, Sawa, who always harmonized with Matsu, who had taken advantage of her position as Sawa’s senior.

I could see Matsu walking to Sawa, taking her away to a shadowy corner quietly. That is just the way Japanese young women who whisper between each other give a room a conspiratorial air. They kept sticking together conferring with their back to me while I patiently waited and waited on the opposite side of the room until they would have me full attention. And then, they left the male student behind and brought his report to me. Contain my fury at them, I had decided the situation was hopeless.

“Look at his report,”said Matsu, riffling through the pages. She was not reading, not trying to. “He must’ve studied very hard. He’s made a good job of it.” I could see a horrible grin on Sawa’s face, as if she had fostered a talented person. When Matsu was done admiring it, she showed me and I turned the pages. There were a few blank pages. I scanned the pages―his contained less and not quite accurate. His report was thin, but mine thick. She took his from me and closed it, perhaps thinking the same I did, but sensing the atmosphere, she went off on some nonsense about how I needed to learn from him. I I did not give a shit because I had gained the best grades on my reports in my school.

Umeno was an old-timer, so she the manager of the department. I realized that she was not a bad person. Actually, although she had been thoughtful and kind, it always sounded much worse when it got too much. When I was alone, she talked to me as if I had some trouble with Matsu.“Things are going well?” “So far … I guess,” I said, not wanting her to broach the topic of Matsu. “I wish you could go along with Matsusan,”she said, scuttling in the staff room. “You don’t do as she tells you, do you? She told me she didn’t understand how to teach you … Ksan, I’d like to hear what you think.”

I was sure, just how misguided the present situation is. “I truly feel sorry for her at times. As you say, she is trying very hard to teach me what I have to learn. I really appreciate… . But somehow she seems to be in ‘denial’ about me. I am afraid I’d piss her off again with my saying.” In my frustration, I blurted out my mind, and she did not say anything else, trying to get somewhere in a hurry. There must be what she would call a folly. I supposed.

The next day, I tagged along a staff to study by observation nodding and smiling, during which I was supposed to give my own opinion. I do not remember what I said, and she explained her thought to me. “Ksan, ‘I’m not going to deny you’ or offend… .” It was kind of weird when I heard her words that did not sound like her own. As I observed the other staff, he talked to me. “ ‘I’m not going to deny you’… .” I heard someone call me. “Excuse me. ‘I’m not going to deny you’… .”

Stuff like this―the way she shared with all staff my misinformation that I am so negative about everything―drove me crazy. Umeno was manager, but not smart. The correct understanding is “Matsu is harsh and mean to me,” which I said to Umeno in a euphemistic way Japanese make them humble. But, I decided I would go along with stupid-ass crap about me, trying to remain composed.

You can call it pressure to conform. We Japanese live in a bully culture, which tortures a person, especially a freaky one. If once you are a victim, no matter how much effort you make, it will backfire on you, even if you do a pretty good thing. At the time, my mentor had told me that honest and obedient students would go well or else we would have troublesome thought. Errors. Or else … Withdrawal would be a better choice, but at that point I was too immature to comply. It was just like,“No, no. I never ever want to be a loser.”

Then I could picture my fellows being in the smoking area. If I withdrew, they would say for sure: “K couldn’t have got along with people. He always hung back and kept to himself. Writing is the only thing he’s good at.” I hated pity, despite my pitying Matsu. On the other hand, over and over the phrase like “Writing is good” swelled like a wave. My fellows could not help appreciate my writing that she insulted. I wish you could tell that I have been treated unfairly in the here and now. 

Matsu is not much. She was truly pathetic. A nervous wreck. Not only did she try to wreck me, she provided me with challenge of having to forestall her plot every time I observed her work. Equanimity like aloofness lingering between us, she had made me feel fear that I had felt myself trying to figure how much she and I had in common―aloneness on being stoic―this gave me the total creeps. I had never seen her talking about anything but work, as if to be uninterested in others. I was not going to be like her.

It was so easy, from on high, to harass me and say, “I didn’t think you’d show up.” It was like she hoped so. What should I say when she would cursed me, maybe things will get worse? I had been very patient until now. I had had so many questions as a student trainee to study here. There was not much in the way of learning, just pressure to conform. All the chaos I had been subjected to throughout the weeks came back to me. Don’t mess with me. I found myself tossing my report onto her desk, and I could see her nervous look in her eyes―I was the screwup who could not say: “I’m still inexperienced. I’m so sorry for any problems that I have caused you.”

I was in great agitation during the day. I thought I was going crazy. A paradoxical feeling built up inside me, as though I messed up and resented her further. I was not going to let her abuse her power. I shall never, never forgive this bitch. She would never know anything about what I endured or how hard I was trying!

That evening I no longer listened to her feedback and there was no need to be so pessimistic.

“I’m done.” I threw my report on the floor.

January 2020

I detested her. She is scum. I despise myself for having got involved with them at all; there was no need to keep rehashing my past―she was ugly and she gave me the creeps. “Huh” or “Eh” with a deep, brief sigh popped into my mind and at the same time I felt an intense irritation with her, every time my neck itched. I has had keloids on my neck―big, red and swell on my neck. People used to ask what was wrong with me, like I had had scars of burns to something.

It had been ten years since I was told that these bombs is not healed, but I wrote to a plastic surgeon about my keloids, and I got a reply from the doctor the next morning, which made me grateful. Fairly quickly. Any good doctor would not do so. Feeling hopeful, I read the mail: “Regarding the treatment of hypertrophic scars and keloids, I had surgeries…”

*

May 2008

In the mornings, I put my report on her desk. Later in the afternoons, she asks with a goofy face: “How many hours did you sleep last night?” I was a student trainee and Matsu a case advisor. If I say “Two hours,” she asks “What the hell is that?”and if I do “No sleep,” she “Huh. You’re a liar.” and if I “Five hours,” she “Do you feel like doing anything? Other students have been studying so hard, all the day, without sleeping. You goof off, eh?” 

Her mouth with buckteeth lights up in acrid tones, and it is creeping me out even though I find it what a dope. I can tell by the way she looks at me that she has sensed I am such an airhead, and if so, then what is the right answer? she also had the way of appending a phrase to “Huh” or “Eh” with a sullen face, as if to be at a loss of words, which really pissed me off. It was like she gave me countless jabs in my heart.

Goof off? This bitch. I pride myself on being stoic. She would be the first and last person to say that, like I am lazy, which touches my deep core of rage. Actually, come to think of it, she worked hard being aloof with her stoic endurance, which made her moody at all hours―it felt like there was something inside her that wanted to wreck someones life.

In the evenings, Matsu would appear, telling me to come. Then she asks bluntly: “What’s this all about?” I can see my report on her desk in the middle of nowhere. There would be silence that indicated anything I say would be just a waste. After a while, I hear her sigh heavily. Then she dose again: “How many hours did you sleep last night?” There would be another short silence; I start to explain the contents of my report. “No,”she says. “I mean, how many hours did you sleep last night?” Shut up! Fucking bastard!

She never have much to do with her co-workers nor was she popular. Only occasionally an agreeable and kind man made effort to be nice to her, but she had no sense of humor, ignoring him in a high-handed attitude. Just so you know. There is a type of ugly that men never find attractive.

In Izakaya, a Japanese pub, was the welcome party for us students. For some reason―perhaps Umeno, Matsu’s manager, had given an instruction to her―she was sitting awkwardly on the tatami mat across from me and sulking, while all around her people sat laughing and talking in little groups.

“Let’s have a glass,” said a man. “Cheers!” “Cheers!” everyone cheered loudly. One by one I took turn touching glasses, the bottom of my glass on my left palm, shifting my weight forward and bobbing my head. Naturally I was about to touch a glass to Matsu, who raised hers much higher to me than to others. The bottom of hers shoved the top of mine.

Everywhere people were enjoying themselves, seating around a long rectangular table, and I listened for the CEO in my line and Matsu sat sullenly in front of me. Ugh. I detested her. She did not to try to talk to anyone; the others did not do to her, either. No one came to her. She deserved it. Would I pour you a drink?”I asked. “No, thank you.” She said, throwing a look of cold fury. How dare this uppity bitch? What’s come over her? Always.

There was nowhere for her to go, no mechanism to hang out with her co-workers. I was glad to see it, feeling both contempt and pity. I was drinking my beer eating from plates, not wanting to her look that disgusted me. And then out of the blue Umeno nudged me in a whisper. Glancing at her, I could see Matsu’s patience from solitariness, boredom, and aversion to me, pretending to fiddle with her phone. “Of course,” I said randomly, feigning that I was busy picking at a grilled fish with my chopstick and I was pleased that Umeno pitied her: there was nothing she can do and she never laughed. I got obsessed by my crazy thought this kind of woman was supposed to stay single forever. Ha-ha. She deserves to do.

Eventually Matsu never talked anyone and was about to leave the pub, and Umeno pushed me, and finally I followed her to the exit and she put on her shoes in a hurry and I said with my bowed head: “Otsukaresamadesita.” It does not mean either “Go to the hell” nor “Get lost, bitch.” It means, like thank you very much for today. She said it too, without looking at me, shoving the short sprit curtain away disappearing.

A few days after the party, I was a student trainee and Matsu a case advisor, as usual. She gave me an order: “You are supposed to wait at the staff room, while I talk with my client,” “I understand,” I could tell it was something important, so I walked off, all the way to the room. As I waited for her to come back there, I could see Umeno looking around uncomfortably, walking up the passage. There was an urgency in her manner and she noticed me, getting freaked out. “Ah, here you are,” she said, approaching me. “Matsusan’s looking for you.” “What?” I said, astonished. “Don’t have your own way. I can’t deal with you anymore. I’ll call your school teacher for help,” she said, not loudly but quite distinctly.

Damn, I thought. Matsu. Fucking crazy.