I would never meet Yamada again unless I sell my condo. Seller and buyer. That’s all. I am not good at building a relationship with a person. I took out my iPhone and opened the contact list―banks, credit companies, several embassies, a few hospitals, a real estate agent and my parents. I am happy I do not have any friend. No loneliness. I never pretend to be strong. I was a maverick who acted alone, eating, shopping, reading books, riding motorcycle, running in nature and traveling all over the world. From time to time I interact with people where I am for the time being. And good-bye. Maybe forever.

The tactic has works very well, since there was the worst month when I felt like I was going to die. I was at twenty two, once upon a time, when l first worked for the company. I had worked in three shifts―work until midnight, sleep, work during a day, sleep, work early in a morning, collapse onto the bed, then drinking party and karaoke, which new employees like me was forced to join. I could not keep up with everything; it felt like there was something inside me that destroyed me.

My superior coworkers yelled at me at every moment. Always, Every single day. I did not hate them, but I hated myself―I was really useless and came to loathe even being there, therefore being alone made me ease my distress.

When I first moved to Nagasaki, I had refused to live in the company dormitory, where the fellows might go in and out of my room. However, I later found myself more unsettling despite living in a condo―they drove up for a visit without calling. I disliked drop-ins, and once I had turned off my cellphone when I heard the voice of my fellows coming up the hallway so that I can make up the excuse I was not at home.

Anyway I had been feeling a physical and mental discomfort. One night, I worked with my superior I got along with most. “K. Give me a ride home,” he said. “I want to ride your motorcycle.” That confused me because it took him one hour to get to his home and the following day I was going to be at work at three in the morning. I must get sleep, but my motorcycle, Dragstar, beautiful like Harley-Davidson, had drawn his attention. Eventually he gave up on, but he ordered otherwise, and finally I brought him to my condo. He just let himself into my room, sat down on the floor to watch TV and talked on and on, and in the following days, I was out sick.

That was why I deliberately avoided Japanese people overseas: Japanese mix up private and public. If I would bump into Japanese, he would say as if we shared the same values: “Are you Japanese?” “What do you do?” “How old are you?”“Are you married?”“Where are you staying tonight?” Then he would conclude: “Let’s walk around together.” No, no. You are too close!

But, it is easy for me to distinguish between Japanese and other Asians, such as Chinese, without listening to the language. Basically, Japanese prefer act as a group. You would see people, in clean cloths, in a huddle. In airports, they look around restlessly, assuming that they are superior to any other people in the world, however, and they walk with a hunchback, casting their eyes downward out of uneasiness or shyness.

The reason I left the company after a month was to preserve my dignity. It had been commonplace for my superior coworkers to call me “Slowcoach” or “Twit” or “Snail,” and although I fully realized the words was anything but affectionate, I felt raw pain that stemmed from my inability; my fellows got their job done quickly and enjoyed hanging out together after work. Because of that I blamed myself for not be able to do the same as most Japanese do.　

Japanese new employees often rant and rave: “I am in the ‘black kigyou.’ Overwork everyday. My boss abuses at me.” “Black” is not race. It means a kind of illegal. “Kigyo” is company. The three conditions that you are in what Japanese call the “black kigyou” are overwork, unpaid, and harassment. Perhaps you just think nobody is helping you.

Please calm down and look slowly around. You would find yourself surrounded by the competent persons making a lot of money. You could not have accepted the reality it was not kind of like what you think. It is just that your work is not up to much, on account of your being the new employee. As for the company, that is to say, you are a burden and a nuisance who just says bad things about it. In my case, my first company did not necessarily overwork me. Rather I had been working overtime voluntarily, feeling a little extra responsibility.

If you run to other responsibility and leave the company, you will also be in the “black.” Because you are new wherever you are. You should know better than to confuse “black“ with ability, and that small and medium-sized Japanese enterprises, as well as American ones, do not teach you from A to Z the way large Japanese ones do. What I mean, of course “black kigyou” actually existing, is that it is all up to you. 

For me leaving the first company was not completely dumb. I preferred it that I could be myself. After five years I changed career and started to work for a small company. At the time I was feeling hopeful and in the one-man department, where I took the lead and did all the work alone. I did like it that I could have a free will and take charge of my job and not have to worry about Japanese-style relationship.

And then one day, I attended a study meeting at a large company after work. It was really dull and dozens of young people were dozing off. After that, they were walking back to their department and chatting and joking around and being silly. They seemed to so much more interested in things outside of work. Isolated among them was my fellow, such a square, and I reached for his shoulder. “Tanakasan. Long time no see.” He turned to me. “I know,” he said, trying to keep his distance from me. “Aren’t you going home?”I asked. “It’s only nine,” he said, as if to look down on me. Only? Why not already? Then he went on: “If I left now, my boss, glaring accusingly at me, would tell me that my seniors are still working.”

I had heard about this department, where everyone worked from eight in the morning to midnight. They made this kind of insane rule and set the tone: the longer they work, the more excellent they are. Some young people, who was neither competent nor promising, enjoyed being with each other for longer, and others like Tanaka, who was loyal to Japanese standard, had a zany sense of obligation.

As far as I ever thought about it: They themselves were unaware that they were in a “black kigyou,” despite a take-home pay of 150,000 yen a month. You have probably heard Japanese work long hours and was not so productive; they do really like to go along with people to reassure themselves that they have felt secure. Unlike the great majority of Japanese, I was content to feel that I could be anyone doing anything. Maybe in a kind of “white kigyou.”

After the transfer of the property, I headed to the real estate agent to thank Yamada for his assistance. When I peeked in through the glass walls, a young staff gestured toward the narrow street. Before long I caught him smoking with his colleagues, middle-aged dudes, at the foot of the street in what seemed a hiding place. I could sense I was about to enter a quite different atmosphere—I was like an outsider―there may well had been confidential “information.”

That reminded me of the years I was going to the vocational school. Of the thirty-five or so student in my class, most of them were men. When recess came, mostly they were in the class room. A week later, I noticed most guys other than me disappearing from the room every single recess―I had been growing uneasy about where they were. But there were a few nerds left here. And the women, too, talked cheerfully together.

One day I asked a fellow where the guys were during recess. “We just smoke,” he said. Even though they were mostly minors, they went to the smoking area, where there was a heavy smoker, our classroom teacher who was an enthusiast eager to foster the students’ ability, and the guys, especially the teenagers, followed him to extract valuable “information” that would certainly be useful down the road. A recess is between classes, so they were there a lot. Rarely had I smoked, Rarely did I went there. It felt like I always fell behind the guys who puffed cigarettes.

It is the similar way in companies. Of course, it troubled me from time to time. It must have happened not only in smoking area, but in pubs and golf courses, where the men talk about their work relaxing, a kind of community like an old-boy network built up. I did not belong anywhere, and neither did most of the women. In the office the men behave like nothing happened, but those who did nowhere, every now and then, especially woman, become aware that something happened―in fact, some important matters had been made among the men, as though they were one step ahead of us, and besides I had never heard that the men in such a community could not get promoted. At that time what did the women feel?

I had an instinct that told me to keep out of a long talk with Yamada. They fell silent when I walked over them, and I could see a troubled expression on his face. I exchanged a few formal words with him, a smile coming over his face; I thanked him, bowing slightly and walking away. I was not interested in the middle-aged dudes who were confined to a little world of their own. Instead, I googled in English and learned the world.

It is ridiculous for the minors to imitate their teacher who smoke, but young men who want to go up have to adapt to their superior’s preference. I knew the outgoing middle-aged man being great at his job. He was a hyperactive. He hung out with his team member every day after work—drinking then playing slot machines at pachinko parlors. Plus he gambled on mahjong at his staff’s house until dawn and slept there. But many night they ended up going to kyabakura (men and women drink close together) in Nakasu. He enjoyed flirting with women, but at the same time he found opportunities to make sales.

Pachinko and mahjong―I can imagine―give off in dimly lit space a strong odor of the sketchy world. Cigarette and racket. Neither agree with me. On the other hand, I admired him for working with surprisingly enthusiasm every day, whether it was wholesome environment or not, while a nerdy person dallies over her work yawning because she watches the movie until the small hours, and as for me, I am not reckless―I was good at being alone. I would exercise, surf the internet, sleep by midnight and work as usual.

At some point, life forced me to get along with the new boss, who loved drinking with his colleagues. He went out for a drink with someone after work every day, so I kind of knew that my turn was coming up. He loves people and is easy to talk to; of course he treats us. Pretty soon I would been ordered out of the blue. “K. Let’s go for a drink today! Tell the others this.” I would see the excitement in his face and say: “Yes sir! we’ll accompany you.” 

I first I enjoyed the drinking party the way Japanese seemed to. Then, a week later, he asked us to again, but this time, after doing he took to a hostess bar only me. It is called snack, whose women relatively older than kyabakuras. It was well past midnight―there was something about convivial atmosphere around me that compelled me to talk with my boss and the lady of the house, or rather a portly man and an auntie. Pretending to enjoy myself, I was tired of the whole business for a sense of duty, and in the end, he said cheerfully, “K. Let’s have ramen to call it a night.” Screw you! I have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. while he dozes off at CEO’s office until noon. Let me go home, please. Please. 

Then, the next week we drank with my boss again. I knew that he just took advantage of me, as though I had been given a mandate: “Whenever I wanna drink, you must follow me.” That was the stint in the bar I hated the most―take a back seat, serve his drink, listen to his glory days, then say, bowing deeply “Thank you very much for today.” I hated it so much. I hated someone who flattered and sucked up to a person who had power. I never do that. I am never going to do. That is my pride.

“K. Drinking!” he said out of nowhere, feeling elated, like it was the natural thing. I was not the kind of person like him, nor was I a slave to the company. “I’m truly sorry, sir. I have things to take care of,” I said, politely. For a moment he looked both bewildered and a little bit smug. “Oh, I see,” he said, soberly. However, I could see a forlorn figure on his back, as if to feel betrayed. Sure enough, since then, I had never ever been asked to. 

I was telling you that I was left out, so you will understand what a stretch it was. 

December 2019

This was the first time I went to the office of the bank. A representative of the agency politely ushered me into a corner room. There were books, files and documents everywhere, stacked on shelves, piled on the rectangular table. In the room were a rep of the agency, a judicial scrivener, a seller, a bank employee and me. Yamada was absent because he was a sales rep. The seller is Dutch. He ran an investment company in Tokyo, spoke fluent Japanese and behaved like a Japanese.

The rep handed me a clean white paper bag, as if to give an expensive gift. Some pudgy files I took out from the bag and laid them on the table. He sat down across from me, and he picked up one of them, opening it to the section. The Dutch was sitting next to him crossing his legs, while my posture had become upright to make me look good. The rep started to read important matters about the property. Of course I just knew what to do the next. It was a lot to handle, learned in Japan where I had done many procedure at public office, banks, car dealerships, school, workplace, etc. 

At that time, the IT Minister of Japan was the chairman of the diet members supporting inkan: name seal. It is also called hanko, which is equivalent to Western signature. He was seventy eight years old. Maybe he managed to use Twitter. Ironically, that of Taiwan was thirty eight; he was a genius programmer, Audrey Tang.

I was ready to put my seal somewhere, holding my inkan. He turned a page; I stamped my name neatly where I have to do so. After doing the same thing about five times, I caught a glimpse of the Dutch cocking his head slightly with a stern look. The rep spoke a lot and I continued to stamp the pages, almost without thinking. Then I glanced up at the Dutch, leaning back against the chair and closing his eyes as though dozing. He could not help. I was jealous of Westerner being free-spirited, but can not the same way he did, because I am Japanese.

When I had been sitting tensely I found myself recalling a certain occasion, the client visit. At the entrance I took off my shoes, which I properly put together. Then, I walked slowly down the hallway into the living room, trying not to make my footsteps. For a second, I just stood aimlessly waiting for her to say something.

“Please have a seat,” said the client, a middle-aged woman, palm up, pointing her fingers at the couch―we Japanese would be urge to be humble―“No, no. I’m fine. Thank you very much,” I said. “I’ll bring you some tea.” “Please don’t bother.” Hesitating for a while, I slowly sat down with my hands on my knees, keeping myself upright. It is not like a Westerner talk with someone. No leaning. No crossing your legs.

She brought me a wooden tray holding a cup of green tea and Japanese sweets such as dango (rice dumplings) and set it before me. “Please help yourself,” she said. “I’m kind of sorry,” I faltered, bowing. Then, we got down to business. Maybe I took a sip of tea, or maybe not, until finally I ended the conversation with her. That’s all. Rarely had I touched them. It is just formality, but is the manners in Japan.

The rep still spoke something and I did not listen. I stamped the pages, and it seemed to go on endlessly, however, the Dutch was playing with his smartphone. I thought he was right. Just sitting here. Wasting his time. Feeling crappy. 

In Japan, it is ordinary to have many meetings like the report on the current situation, although they can be done by email. I always knew that they would be futile and I do not have potential to waste my time. Fortunately, it was great that smartphones had come into the world. It was two years ago (winter 2017)―I attended the meeting that seemed to be significant for everyone to gather. No purpose. At that time, the price of Bitcoin exploded, so I checked the movement of its price on my smartphone during such fucking conversation.

Of course I paid attention to what they talked about, trying not to lose their trust. After a while I sensed that an ugly woman glaring at me coldly―I wimped out and hid my phone instead, only to find myself having no courage to defy her. But you might want to do that as I did―in order to get your tasks done efficiently. If you could do so, I am just a wimp.

When Japanese language peeked out from the Dutchman’s phone, I filled with something awe, and at the same time someone said to me: “Please listen to him, sir.” “Sorry,” I said submissively, flinching for a moment and pretending to stare at the page of the file, and I stamped and stamped and stamped. Really nobody gave a shit. I felt stupid, because I did as I was told, as so many Japanese do.

I was like, “That’s enough. I’m tired. Don’t read. I read home.”  How long are you going to let me do this? These stupid persons around me, except for the Dutch, would just think it make a lot of sense to do that―I was sick not only of Inkan but also of their mind that they took it for granted.

Maybe twenty times or more I would have stamped the pages. Once everything was done, these dude left me behind and sucked up to the Dutch, who discussed business on the phone: “Hai. Imakara Tokyo ni modorimasu.” “Yes. I’m coming back to Tokyo now.” They huddled around him, whispered to each other: “Who wouldn’t think he is Japanese?” But he completely disregarded them and gave me a quick handshake and disappearing.

Two months after going back to Japan, I went to the real estate agent in Fukuoka city. Luckily, I had a knowledgeable middleman, Yamada who helped me purchase a resale condo that was likely to rise property value. After a few days, I walked with him to the condo to view it. I enjoyed talking to a man who was doing what he loved. He loved architectures, so he worked there. On the other hand, he took heavy losses in his previous business and his company went bankrupt.

Failure is an answer. I respected Yamada for having faced the challenge and learned the consequences. At that time, I was thinking of starting my own business, where there was a lively town with opportunities for growth. Fukuoka city seemed to be a fresh challenge ahead of me. I wished to make a virtue out of my limitations.

The real challenge was finding what l really wanted to do. I love English. It is one thing and quit another to teach English as a business. I knew that the basis of business is to imitate successful people, however, I did not like banality, wanting to build a blue ocean where I can reign supreme. I was having a hard time, a negative current, doing that since I left the company.

Japanese would say to those who try something new: “You can do it. I wish you the best.” This is “Tatemae”: showing what he is supposed to say in public. But I knew that in the back of their mind they mocked: “Life is not so easy,” “You’re going to screw up,” and “I’m not foolish like you.” Of course, they never say that to avoid hurting you by telling Honne: your true feeling. After the years, they would say in whisper: “See? I knew it.” “Yeah. He is over.”

Basically, Japanese is afraid of failure. Let’s say a few women, to release their stress, goes out together for dinner after work. Being pointless stories endlessly, their conversation would become lively: seeing who and who are a couple, grumbling about her husband or boyfriend, complaining her co-workers and small pay. There is a way to make it work. And then that is the most fun part: wanting to know who reprimanded who, who will take responsibility for what, who will get an ignominious transfer where. They would say: “Really?” “Incredible,” “How come?” The one thing they have in common is that they are glad it is not them. As the result, they unite and cheer up.

That is like some heartless act, only nobody support you. Trying new things is that we are bound to make mistakes Japanese are not tolerant of. For that reason, I did not dare tell Yamada that I might start my business. “I’ve yet to decide what I am going to do,” I said. “First I will live here. Fukuoka airport is near, so I can easily go overseas. If I found another place to live, I would rent out this room.” “I knew a person who lived on passive income,” said Yamada.

You would first invest in small property, a room for one person. Over time, you would save up money from the rent. Then, investment in a second one, a small room. Now you had two room, from which you receive the rent. You would save up and add a third one, a slightly larger property. Over years, you would figure that you broke even for the first one, which you can sell for money. You would keep trying to research good properties that you benefit from. Maybe four. And five. Yes! You do not need to work anymore.

“I think it is reasonable,” I laughed a little. “It’s a big decision. You should sleep on it and talk to someone. It is possible to change your mind,” he said soberly, never having tried hard sell on me. I supposed most sales representatives would not say this. They would say with a modest smile: ”What would you like to do? If you don’t decide as soon as possible, it will sell.” Like they try to unsettle me. They want me to purchase anyway.

Yamada wanted me to be happy by offering a property that met my needs. He stressed the ties with landlords having a lot of information that you should know before you buy another property. It was creeping me out even though I found it inevitable. I do not like attending work shops; exchanging business cards, smiling, talking, smiling, talking, smiling and bowing. I must pretend to be a gentleman. Then hovering, I would get nowhere and find myself alone. Ugh. That sucks. But I will have to do better. I did trust Yamada and wished to be on good term with him from then on.

The next morning I went shopping in the grocery store. There were a lot of elderly people milling around, which made me feel out of place. And then suddenly a moment came back to me from the travel I had completed. It was when I arrived at Suvarnabhumi Airport in Thailand. Just as I walked out the exit, a very lively hubbub engulfed me. The airport was filled with young people as if I was in a recess in a college. It felt like a start of something new and I felt so right to be here. In the jolly big place were smiles, happiness, and tremendous energy.

I recalled I had been working for elderly people and accommodating their stubbornness that made my energy evaporate―like I felt myself fading away with them. I sensed Japan would have a punishing future, which would relate to us. Imagine that in ten years the baby-boomer generation called Dankai in Japan will be in their eighties. Surely they will be dominating most of Japan except for the downtown.

When I was a child, Dankai generation was in prime of life. I spent hours at my good friend’s house everyday after school, never having seen his father. He was not even on Sunday. I did not ask him about his father because there must be a serious circumstance like divorce. One day we were playing video game―then out of nowhere his father came home like a thunder when it was sunny.

“You should go home,” my friend said. “Why?” I asked. “Maybe he vexes, because he works late every day. Sunday, he plays golf. You know, a man works everyday for a family.” Since that time I had observed adult men going to work. There seemed no choice but to work; they were in no good spirits. Some adults had told me that “you can only hang out till you are in college.” That meant the rest of my life is work and work and work, which scared me.

The adults at that time are now elderly people, who worked for one company until retirement. Rooted in their mind is seniority system: your wage based on how many years you work at one company not the performance appraisal. Inside the grocery store, there was a profound sense of dignity deriving from the conviction that maturity is superior to youth, as if we young people did not have a right to disagree with them.

I studied the selection of Japanese grits for the first time in two years; prices were a lot cheeper than developed countries. Which brought home to me the reality Japan’s economy has been stagnant for more than thirty years after the collapse of the bubble economy. As a child, I was told me that Sony, which invented WALKMAN, is secure for life. The next thing you know we play with iPhone and googling on internet and shopping Amazon. Those American things are prevalent in Japan.

Learning my way inside the store, I saw a portly old man with haughty face throwing instant noodles into his cart like, “Why do I do to deserve this?” Behavior is to the personality what food is to the appearance. At the sight of him, it made sense that he had not taken care of his health. Unlike him, I had admired the old gentleman, who is formed like an aura of confidence, straight and elegant. who goes to a gym and eats a lot of vegetables to stay fit. It is really cool.

Before long I came upon a few old women huddled together, their carts piled with sweets that cause sugar addiction. Like it is natural thing for them to be a couch potato. I knew that the more you like sweets, the older you look; I work out, run, and consume protein and good quality oils every single day. And that was really what it came down to. You should know that if your appearance reach a certain standard level, you will get close to a nice guy or lady who never looked at you before. It is said that it’s what’s inside that counts. That is right, but the first appearance.

AlI at once I heard an old man talking loudly. Turning to his voice, I could see a young clerk saying “I’m truly sorry, they are out of stock,” he bowed. “I apologize for that,” he put his hands on his knee, bowing and bowing. The old man seemed to have nowhere for all his energy to go, continuing to tell the young man off from one rank higher. Most of Japanese can not know that a customer and a clark is in the same position overseas: it is just that stores provide goods and receive payment for them.

I waited in a checkout line. No wonder Japanese stores still offered plastic bags for free, for the Mister of the Environment had eaten steak just before. However, I fretted that I saw the clarks give them to customers, who took it for granted, and that Japan is always behind in something. What was unique about the cashers was that although Japan promotes cashless this store introduced cash machines not self-checkout ones: the clarks read the bar-codes of products and the customers pay with them. I recognized that Japan is a country that invests heavily for elderly people who is money-worshiper. Cash is everything they are.

That is funny, but that worked well enough. “Will you be paying by cash?” “Yes.” “Go. No.1.” “Will you be paying by cash?” “Yes.” “Go. No.2.” “Will you be paying by cash?” “Yes.” “Go. No.3.”

Maybe elderly people would hoard money that was sleeping. I wondered if they spend their hard-earned money satisfactorily. It is easy to say “I should have done this or that when I was young.” Before you say that, get on with it. Money is for challenge, for fun, and for investment in our youth, who have bright futures.

It was midnight when I arrived at Kurume in the south of Fukuoka. I loved this town, neither urban nor rural. The air was clean and cool and it felt like the beginning of autumn. I walked to my house. Anyway I was so glad to be set free from that agency, where Japanese value unity and a lot of rules, that I would never participate in what they call “International cooperation.”

Why did I join in the first place? I knew that working there did not make a real contribution to society because it was a public sector, a stability-oriented environment. I knew that the private sector, the tech behemoth like GAFAM brought real value to the world. It is indispensable in our life. Plus TESLA led by Elon Musk. He is a workaholic and people around the world look forward to self-driving cars, Hyperloop and space travel.

The agency was very boring. The staff’s first priority was to protect their own life and position. Basically, public servants or those who have a national qualification believe their future is secure, therefore no ambition, no business perspective, and information poor.

Before being dispatched oversea, I had a 70-day training period. There were an incredible amount of document to submit: “This is handwriting.” “Put this in a mailbox.” “Email is okay.” And fax, this super outdated machine is too widespread to be cool: “Fax it and call me to make sure you did that.”

They never thought that they tried to streamline their work and take the easy way out. They do not have the energy to try new ways and prefer the old ways, or might fear that increasing productivity that make you lazy will lead a reduction in workforce. I supposed if you could spare time, all you have to do is think something useful for the world.

For them, more significant than outcomes is showing off how hard they work. You would see Japanese business men facing their laptop with their back straight during a day. That is basic manners as a member of Japanese society, which do not tolerate the way Westerners work―leaning against couch, crossing his legs and having a refreshment―and which regard it as laziness, even though relaxing is the only way to come up with excellent ideas.

You would think like this: “What are they doing?” “ Why make this document?” “What’s the meeting for?” To put it bluntly, there is no meaning. But, Japanese have the answers to the questions: “It is important because my boss told me to do that,” or “It’s the rule to do so.” Most of Japanese do not recognize the true nature of what they are doing; they are obedient to authority and obey the rules properly. Do they make sense? No. I assert that they only trade their time for money. But you are better not to have such a question. You would are seen as nuisance and burden. Of course I just do as I was told, even if that never made any sense. 

For the above reasons, in Japanese organization it was difficult to move myself forward and it was a waste of time, but I had the reason I chose this agency. Looking back a year or so before belonging this agency, I was a backpacker, who respects a diversity of lifestyle. The year I enjoyed traveling all over the world was the year that I did not work. For which I felt guilty as if I received strong criticism from society―relatives, friends, especially Japanese working people.

In short, because I was “mushoku.” It says “I’m not working now.” It implies even further “I am a shady person,” “I don’t contribute to society,” and “I have no social credibility.” It sounds so embarrass that the great pressure had built up urging me to work. One day, I found by chance that this agency had the slogan like a mere masquerade, “International cooperation.” It was a perfect title as a member of society and I needed to gain it.

Sometimes I found myself recalling Dentsu employee’s suicide(overwork led up to her death). What brought her to this company? Of course I knew it was the largest advertising agency in Japan where highly educated people work.

Not only social problem is overwork, I did focus the reason she could not quit. She graduates from Tokyo University. She must have studied very hard where some tend to take a competitive attitude to each other, wishing to formulate her life on a big company everyone appreciates. That is what she undertook for and that is what she won. I believe that something she can strive meaningfully for throughout her life is so much responsibility with pride that ultimately lies with herself toward those who are expecting her. However I wish she could have imagined another life other than working there.

One thing I can bet for sure is that no matter what, she should have left. In Japan, leaving a company easily is shameful and foolish. Giving up once you have started is a failure. People who cling a company will definitely say “she can’t stick with anything.” I used to think so, but not anymore, because I was consumed with regret for the things I could not quit. “What if I left the company much earlier … ” “If only I had dropped out of such a third-rate college … ” I had been patient where I should not have been, so I had lost the opportunities to try new things, which develop myself.

The world is big. If Japanese society had seen diverse lifestyles positively as something natural, I might had been released from working, and she might still be alive.

September 26, 2019

I got to Fukuoka by flying from Tokyo, and taking a subway and a train from there to Kurume, the south of Fukuoka, where I lived for long. Every time I climbed up the stairs lifting my heavy trunk, so many overtook me. This was Japan.

It was not that I needed help, I am a man, but if someone supported it from below, I would feel light. Basically, most of Japanese do not help a person who was not related to him to avoid getting into trouble. He fears that people think he is strange and that he is stand out from crowd―from shyness, timidity and embarrassment. That is similar to bully in that Japanese dose not help a victim: if you save him, you might be a victim too. They seemed to serve advantage rather than the goodness and justice prevailing in the world. There is no benefit to say “may I help you?” so it is better to pretend not to see anything.

In all the chaos of the days I traveled in the world, I knew that some people committed a kind of emotional justice―no one can take away from them―to the vulnerable. If someone is treated unfairly, they protect him at the cost of themselves. You might lose your castle that you built over the years. You might lose your job. You might lose your money. Still they fight for their beliefs that they have to do so.

In Japan, there is a lot of pressure to conform what the majority or the influential persons thought; if what is called black is put into what is called white, even if it is not logical, most Japanese who want to stay in a company will assume that is the right thing.

When my company was acquired in 2016, I had a new boss and colleagues, so one in power promoted a new system―a tremendous setback―to consolidate her position. I was completely shocked to find that she started to shift from a digitalized process to a “paper-based” one. 

Which is ridiculous, but it had happened. She was the stereotype of the middle-aged and did not know the world, but she knew enough if she left here, no one would hire her. For Japanese companies, more important than experience is youth. This big woman thought she was an ace at doing paper work and was so proud of it.  Although the world accelerated digitization, she worked diligently to let “paper-based” process penetrate; believing that doing overtime or on holidays is an excellent example of the good worker.

One day, the big woman gathered the executives and my team member in a room. My intuition told me of conspiracy against me. She shouted at me. “I’ve been working so hard, but you’re talking all kinds of shit about me.” This monster kept shouting and shouting, the executives nodding like they understood, the goddam chickenheads. Almost simultaneously, I realized that my existence had annoyed her because I was an old-timer and had earned the trust from my colleagues, and that this was not where I belonged anymore. “Tomorrow, I’ll give notice,” I said and left the room, deep down I fooled them. The rumor that I was punished as a warning to others flew around.  

Pity she does anything she can to build her castle. However I felt sad that everyone behaved as if nothing had happened. Interestingly, most of the eighty employee obeyed her way because they came to learn that it was the right thing. They were always at something.

Japanese live in a narrow circle of acquaintances, not society as a whole. They are willing to take care of insiders who share the same values, however, and ostracize outsiders who try not to assimilate into their world. It had taught me that in Japan it is easier to do the same thing as everyone does. I just wonder what it is good for.

When disasters such as earthquakes occur, Japanese unite and help victims with a kind of virtue or hypocrisy that everyone is doing good things. Either way, it is just that people copy what the other do. It is like a woman likes “ARASHI” because everyone around her likes it. Also, celebrities, to get “likes” on Instagram, post some photos of their visit to the stricken area. The real man never thinks of it that way because there is nothing special. A catastrophe never experienced in the past would reveal the true nature of the Japanese, which they had been protecting them from.

September 24, 2019

I came to Japan for the first time in two years after completing my overseas assignment. I stepped off the plane, Japanese were everywhere and what they said clearly audible. That made me realize that I was Japanese. People around me saw myself as Japanese and of course never teased for my Asian face.

When I approached a LAWSON, it made me nostalgic to hear its musical doorbell. I wanted to drink green tee. There were various option of payment―cash, credit card or electronic money: PayPay, Line Pay, Rakuten Pay, etc. Which reminded me of too many functions of Japanese product like TV: no one have a good command of it, unlike Apple product like iPhone that is simple.

It is a typical of Japan. It is good to promote efficiency, but they are not good at consolidating a system. I had decided to centralize my payment in Rakuten with a good point return rate. I took its card from my pocket the way American do.

I took Narita Express to Shinjuku. I felt comfortable with its great speed. Before long, however, a melancholy atmosphere came over me; I missed the ease of conversation that I can have with strangers the way I had been abroad. If you talked to a stranger without any particular reason, you are seen as weird. If a man did to a woman, he is a seducer.

Shinjuku is always crowded. I walked into a drug store and was satisfied to buy something I craved for. It occurred to me that I heard my fellows say “Let’s eat steak in Ginza.” It was none of my business. I did not want to be with the Japanese who prefer to act as a group that values harmony. No openness, no optimism, and tenuous friendships. It is always boring. I wondered why they would not spend time and money with their loved ones. I am not a Japanese who stick in a Japanese group. I am a man who is out in the world.

To leave my heavy baggage, I headed to the capsule hotel where many foreigners stay. Since I was a backpacker, I did not mind sharing a room. Though from the facade the hotel did not look like much more than an obscure building, it had a variety of facilities―a cafe like a manga library with free drinks, man-made hot springs with modern amenities and a coworking space.

In the cafe, I put the food onto the table, microwaved rice and poured hot water into the instant soup. But why eat steak in Ginza today? As long as we were abroad, virtually we could not do Japanese food. I placed natto neatly on top of my white rice with my chopsticks; putting a beaten egg and soy source on the whole. I took bites of rice and natto over miso soup and I was in heaven.

I woke up in the middle of the night because of jet lag and wandered around the hotel. This hotel was in a glass building overlooking pedestrians and vehicles in the busy main road that glistened in the city. Tokyo never sleeps. I was afraid that I would have to work to death, sighing.

When I thought this, I saw a group of businessmen stumbling through the sidewalk. I knew that drinking is to forge a relationship and share your true inner feelings. They complain about their company that they were never going to leave and conclude that they maintain the status quo. I simply thought it ridiculous. It is like symptomatic treatment to ease their distress, not radical one. If you had such time, you would be better off acquiring new skill to leave your company.

I do not necessarily like working, but hate drinking for work. Perhaps you want to go up, and if so, you had better join it. If you do not drink alcohol, you can find other ways to partake in golf, pachinko or mahjong, according to your boss’s preference or the custom in your company. Unfortunately, I am incompatible with all of them, that is, I am a social misfit.

On the other hand, women have the privilege to refuse to invitations. Sensible men (in Japan, most managers are men) fear being accused and punished for what they would perceive as harassment. Like a man hold a strap with both hands on a crowded train to avoid being mistaken for a molester. The best strategy to do it was to say “I have small kids waiting for me.” You would know that their children had not grown up over the years.

As for ordinary Japanese couples, men devote his life for work and women devote her life for her children without a housekeeper. Traveling abroad for a month is out of the question unless they quit their job. I never wanted my life to be controlled. I love traveling as a backpacker.

I was not sleepy at all and went down the stairs to soak in the hot springs, where I would talk with strangers.

One particular Thursday, to go to the church, she could not afford to prepare dinner for me. To this day, she handed me money. “Go Kentucky. Eat chicken.” In her mind, Eating out was KFC, like ordinary families and young people said ‘’Let’s go McDonald’s.” “Ah…Is there any other way? It’s so oily.” “You said you want to eat ‘chicken,’” she said with her angry look. that was when I knew, for her, speaking of “chicken,” nothing better than Kentucky Fried “Chicken.”

No matter where I eat, I can not enter her house by myself. “You’re right. I will go to Kentucky,” I gave in to her. “Sorry to bother you again. Please tell me how to open the door.” She still looked irritated. She fit one key after another into the locks and handled the door knobs roughly. “You understand?”she looked at me with a ferocious expression that was enormous pressure on me. ”Okay, thank you very much,” I said; she disappeared.

I remained standing by the door of my host house as a BMW drove up and stopped. A young chauffeur got out and opened the rear passenger door. She walked like a big shot through the darkness. “Phew, you waited for me, ha ha!” I did not know why she was in high spirits.

Next Sunday morning, she was trimming the shrubs in her garden. “Can I give you a hand?” I asked. “Phew, you want to cut, ha ha!” she handed me a pair of shears and sat in the chair shaded by the roof, and gave instruction: “cut one time,” “further in,” and “that’s right”―like she was a film director. Then she read a book over coffee. Then, one hour later, the neighbors came over, chatting. Now I was done and she had slept.

This afternoon, after swimming at Pigeon Island, I rushed home―she was so pleased I had done trimming that she was to take me to the church. The door was left open; she must prepare the chauffeur like her henchman. “Sorry, I was a little late,” I said, entering her house; she sat in her own chair. “K … I am exhausted,”she did not move from her chair.

The meals with sugar she cooked kept high quality, and the next thing I knew I ate up all the food on my plate. After dinner, I was supposed to study English in my room, but I went straight to bed and slept. Then I woke up midnight. She would sleep deeply. With that, I opened the door quietly and tiptoed to the dim glow near the kitchen, where there were a few cooking pots on the gas stoves. I picked up a pot lid―delicious pieces of fried plantain. This was my home and I reached for a slice.

Sugar is as dangerous as tobacco. I was always sleepy and craved for something sweet. In the evenings I would have watched the DBS news in my room. Diabetes. Diabetes. Diabetes. Every single day, everyday you would hear from the newscaster, the man like a bodybuilder who was irrelevant to it. When I rolled up my T-shirts, I realized I put on some weight around my waist.

In the mornings I ate breakfast at the dining table while she watched TV away from me. Sit in her chair, laughing boisterously. She would not look around unless I talked to her. I took bread, a muffin and a banana, curled myself in a ball around them, and left the room; saying “I’m done. Thank you for the good meal.” In my room, I put them in a plastic bag, stuffed them into my bag and went to my office. 

Whenever walking to client’s house, my colleague, a middle-aged woman dropped in at shop to buy snacks. And most of female ones bought box lunches that were sold by local shops. What astonished me was that they ate about three times as much as I did.  In contrast, I had never seen a Japanese woman do more than me.

On the fridge in the corner of the office, I saw a notice up, saying,“inventory.” As they devoured their lunch, I opened it slowly. The inside was full of light-resistant bottles. “What are these?” I asked one of them nearby. “Energy drinks,” she stood up and took one from the fridge looking at the nutrition facts on the label. “Vitamin B2 … vitamin B6 ‥ good. It suffices for those who have diabetes.” They seemed to think energy drink offset diabetes. “But, high-carb …” I said. “Yeah,” she twisted it open and drank it in one gulp.

When I went home she put an ice pack on her knee. “What happened?” Basically I do not talk to her. “Swollen,”she said. “Do you feel pain?” I asked. “Yes.” She was silent for long. I left my stuff in my room and came back to her. “Would you show me your knee?” “Sure.” I kneeled down beside her, placed my hands on her knee, and begun massaging―“you’re a good guy … When are you moving out?”she asked. “Day after tomorrow,” I said, without looking at her. There was silence for a while. Then I heard a voice say: “I’ll miss you … ”