I was a loser. At the night I got really cozy inside me. My phone rung, so I picked up, “Ah, K. This is Tanaka speaking,” he was my homeroom teacher. “Good afternoon, sir.” “Don’t go. From tomorrow,”he said. I felt exhilarating to hear that, as if I released from pressure or bullying. “You’ll have to rest. Okay?“ “I understand, sir.” The moment he hung up, I collapsed back on the bed.
When I awoke to a beam of intense sunlight peeking in through the curtain in the window, it was twelve and I felt oddly at peace and for a while stared at the ceiling. I was hungry. I wondered if she would have allowed me to have eaten two take-out bento(lunch box) at lunch and if she had viewed me as lazy and hedonistic. I could not afford to the time I ate breakfast or dinner, having been busy writing the reports. She worked tensely all the day, this meant she took her stress out on me for some reason. Sleeping spoiled you? Even eating? Sleep is to the brain eating is to the body. Silly Matsu. It was tempting to forget the whole stuff and I simply went back to sleep, wishing to be kind to myself and others.
The next day I wrote a polite letter of apology to Matsu, describing about me, how rude I was, how uncomfortable I made her, and how I would like the opportunity to learn from her. I did not know it was my true feeling, but the letter was at least for show. I thought that if I pretended hard enough it would actually come true, and I would be nobody. My tactic was just to say “I understand” or bob my head or smile. Umeno would expect cheerful obedience of me and I knew that she accepted everything you said.
Naturally the division reader of my school, Mori, knew I was in trouble. He was in his early forties―well-worn white coat, combed-back gray hair, and a grim expression. He looked foolish when he attempted to stand upon his dignity by walking arrogantly along the hallways―mostly we students were too scare to talk to him. It occurred to me that he reprimanded my fellow Kita. He was dozing off when Mori taught a class. He was edging forward and stopped in front of Kita.“Orenitaisuruboutokuka?” “You are blaspheming against me, eh?” he asked in a wrath voice, glaring down at him. The atmosphere in the room was frozen, we straightened in our chairs and he threatened him to get out. After all, Kita repeated a year, and he was the very one who set an example.
I was sitting across from Mori in the reception room in my school. “Who do you think you are?” He looked me in the eye, so I turned away. “Look into the eyes, when you talk with anybody.” I tried to look at his horrible eyes. My face would have twitched and started to crumple with my timidity. “That’s exactly what your problem is … So you didn’t communicate with Matsusan well … You’re just a brat. You look down on her, eh?”he imposed his one-sided opinion on me. “You’re absolutely right, sir. But … I … don’t … want to be like her. She is not the epitome of the professionalism.” Shit! I blew it; I should not have said that. I was confused. “I think I was really a brat. I must obey her,” I made me humble. “You need more than that to explain it. That’s why you are not good at communicating with people … Brat … you’re just a brat!” he surveyed me with a scowl. I knew that this bastard liked to show what a dignity his presence represented for me.
The next day, we were to meet in front of the building, where I studied as a student trainee. By exercising his power, he had helped the troubled ones get back into the practice. I did know that he tried to maneuvered himself into a much higher status. He intentionally used two different faces well, severeness for formal and kindness for informal, which touched the stupid students. His strategy appeared to win the whole school over to his side. The great majority of the students had been with nothing but admiration for Mori. I did not know why. It was like people aligned themselves with the tendency of those around, so it was complete nonsense to ask what is so great about him. When a new cafe was going to open in my school, we students voted on its name. I had felt very silly indeed ever since then. And foolish as it might seem, the signboard over the door of the cafe said “Mori’s cafe.”
“Nice weather today,” he grinned. “I wish we could go somewhere to hang out, don’t you think?” How very odd. But just his way I thought it would be. “Yes, sir,” I mumbled, not knowing what to say. I had been in a frenzy for him cursing me, and I was now supposed to apologize to Matsu. And then he asked me about the staff, so maybe I replied awkwardly. When I approached the entrance of the building, he said: “I believe in you. No problem.” “Thank you very much, sir,” I winced, thinking his behavior was gross.
I straightened and then I bowed deeply. “I’m truly sorry for offending you.” “I was surprised when I received a letter from Ksan,”said Matsu, preparing her work in the staff room. We sat around in front of her desk. “Anyway I was surprised. I thought you would never come back.” I had fallen silent. “I wonder if you really okay with me. I worry about me teaching you,”she said. “Everyone is scared of you, eh?” Mori leered at me. “You’ve been trying too hard. Decompress.” I shrank back―I thought she would want to assert that I neglected my own assignment. Instead, she sulked and turned away before the cutting words from her mouth.
At one point, Mori, enjoying showing off his power, crossed his legs and arched his spine, which annoyed her―late twenty with the conceit. “I mean, you should take a break,”he said, looking at me and Matsu gaped, as if she pronounced “huh” like a sigh in disbelief. “Five days. Rest. Stop, Do nothing. Embrace your hobby, something you looked forward to. Feel refreshing. You could meet your friends or take a short trip. Or else go back to your parents … Don’t study,” he said. “Forget studying.” There was something authoritative and deliberate in his speech that made her dumb. Japanese like her does not give you time to rest. Like resting is a sin. “I’ll leave it up to you,”she said glumly, trying to finish this conversation. “The way forward. Everyone is expecting a lot from you,” he gave me a gleeful little grin while her cheeks was distorted concealing her discomfort.
“Let’s have ramen,” Mori ordered me. “Ah yes, sir. I’ll accompany you.” I rode my DrugStar and followed his BMW. I had been a man who challenged authority, the way it was likely to backfire on me, but I was now taken in by him, for fear my feelings toward Mori have begun to transform. Where was I? I was so tense I did not have any appetite. And then I remembered. Trying too hard. Decompress. When you are trying too hard is you are actually thinking that you are making it.
He was sitting across from me eating ramen. “That did’t sound like fun. She is critical, eh?” he asked. “Yes … ” I mumbled.
